Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Sunday, April 21

Gapers Block

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I like many famous people. Po-mo heartthrob David Foster Wallace. Chunky funnyman Jack Black. Scrumptious honeypot Scarlett Johansson. Et al.

W/r/t to people like Oprah, Julia Roberts and the potato-faced Tom Hanks, I'm sort of lukewarm. My celebrity crushes have spunk. A little quirk. A hook.

But not East Coast songwriter Kelly Lynn. She's wild about Oprah — and the classifieds. The other day, after a fucked-up day at work, I took my barking dogs and freshly haircutted boyfriend to a new watering hole. And I read the Trib, which I never do because it's just too damn conservative. But I flipped to the classies, and found this treasure:

OPRAH WINFREY TRIBUTE New Jersey songwriter writes a tributary song for Oprah Winfrey titled "Living God's Dream." Kelly Lynn says "Oprah Winfrey is such a positive role model and inspiration to me. I wish to honor her with this song." MP3 file and lyric sheet are available at

Well, well, well.

This Front Page site is full of fun ditties from Kelly Lynn Mercado, gospel/R & B singer. And to really enjoy this week's column, I highly, highly advise that you click over to and stream some tunes, namely "Living God's Dream (You're Oprah)" and "Gotta Have It (Burger Jingle)," a song about sex, but instead of sex, Kelly Lynn says "burger." Kind of like "fur burger" but not.

The Oprah tribute starts off sounding a lot like the intro to a throwaway '80s sitcom, like "Kate & Allie" or something. It quickly becomes apparent that Kelly really fucking likes Oprah. So much that she believe Oprah is some sort of angel on Earth or at least the Holiest of Holies among Men.

My favorite couplet comes from the title:

"You're Oprah! / Living God's dream!"

The first line only really becomes funny when you sing it in the voice of William Shatner. Also, I think about Morrissey singing it, whipping himself with a microphone cord. But then, I always do.

But about 30 seconds in, you get to my second favorite part of the song, where Kelly Lynn employs a poetic device I haven't used since the third grade:

O is for open ears to hear God's voice.
P is for people person that's for sure.
R is for real love in your heart.

You're Oprah!
Living God's dream!

A is for angel right here on earth.
H is for happiness you bring to us.

But there are also gem lines like "One standing as 10,000 to the 10th power" and "mountaintop experience you share with the world."

I love this song.

I also love that it came to me through the classies. Kelly Lynn using my favorite part of the paper as a marketing tool. And what's she's peddlin' is bitchin'. Like clowns-on-velvet bitchin', like kittycats-as-hookers-t-shirts bitchin'.

So, click and listen. Because Oprah is an angel! And Kelly Lynn wants you to know it.

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