To paraphrase Sammy Sosa, "classifi been berry, berry goo to me." Lately, anyway. A few weeks ago, I followed-up on the state of glory holes in our fair city. And then a chance Trib reading brought me the majesty that is “(You’re Oprah!) Living God’s Dream.”
But, seriously, nothing is more heaven-sent, more crazy-fabulous than what Zencon Technologies delivers me this week.
Zencon Technologies, a shady proprietor of dating Web sites for fill-in-the-blank has brought their yenta genius to the Grand Ole Party. And, holy, holy shit.
Before we delve, let me just answer your question: Yes, there is DemocraticPeopleMeet.com, but Democrats as a group aren’t funny, and certainly don’t have funny pictures. And neither do Republican women, who all seem to look like realtors.
(Don’t believe me? There’s a dude on RepublicanPeopleMeet.com whose username is ChicagoBushLover. And he is neither a dyke nor on a bike.)
Single gals, pay attention. If you want to find them, you can use our username and password: gapersblock and Chicago. I withheld their names because although I'm making fun of them, I don't want someone to do a self-conscious Google search and find out that some smartass in Chicago is getting all ha-ha over their quest for love. Which I support. Just like every woman's right to a safe and legal abortion. There.
Let’s start off with a bang. He is a self-employed Jew from Champaign. He loves God. And he loves Country. He is the anti-David Cross, with his flag and his shotgun. But, c’mon, how can you not love that serious little punim?
No, no, not the moneyed retired country singer! A Stetsoned knock-off from Rockford, the Screw Capital of the World. Get him while you can, ladies. He’s in his Jesus year.
Another Midwesterner! This smiley, Freddy Krueger doppelganger gave up his career to climb mountains – and he’d like to climb yours as well. Give him a shot! Dance away an evening with his pleather fedora knocking you in the eye, with Dave Koz filling your ears.
Looking for a pen pal? This lil’ fella from Ohio is your man. This is a picture of him receiving a scholarship. He is on the left. The person on the right is undoubtedly a republican lady. Note the scarf.
He’s the anchorman on Channel 13 at noon. He’s your orthodontist. He’s Satan! This fella, from Arizona, is that kind of scrubbed-clean, good-looking Everyman that you just can’t help but distrust. Or sex up in the bathroom of an airport lounge after way too much Chablis, whatever.
This suitor has no soul. He frightens me. Also, he’s the sort of neighbor who gave out those shitty Dum-Dum lollipops for Halloween.
I actually quite like this guy. He looks happy and kind. And also like a fat Michael Caine. But the funny part is that he circles himself. And there are no other people in the picture. Just him holding a little bag, which I imagine has a cruller in it.
When I was going through my 56 pages of search results, I was all “What’s Hulk Hogan doing on the site?” I clicked for an enlarged view of Guitarzan’s photo and a co-worker came over and exclaimed, “That’s no guitar; that’s an axe. And he can rock it.” Rock, indeed. The next time I’m in Vegas, I’m looking him and his hair up. You rock, guitarzan.
There’s someone for everyone, and I hope he finds his lady love. Who could ignore that photo, especially with the caption “Huggable Teddy Bear”? He says he’s self-employed, but what do you think he actually does? I think he’s some sort of whittler. Or maybe a buglesmith.
There are no words. Take a look at this photo, and realize that the caption accompanying it reads: WE ARE SEARCHING.
Spend some time with this photo, captioned “Loanlybrokenhearted.” And imagine this conversation:
Bachelor Bonus: Smile for the camera, Angel.
Angel: …
Bachelor Bonus: Yes, my Angel. She will see this and she will write to us.
Angel: …
Bachelor Bonus: She will see you, and she will see me. And she will see that we have several boxes of cereal. And some books. She will love us.
Angel: …
Bachelor Bonus: That’s right. She won’t leave. We’ll be happy forever. Can you kiss me, Angel?
Angel: ..!
Bachelor Bonus: I enjoy the patina of desperation on your lips and face, Angel.
